On Life Purpose
default vs. declared purpose
We all have a default life purpose.
Usually, it is around what you lacked in childhood. Some of us always lacked a sense of security, love, power, belonging, or control over our situations. Our minds build survival strategies to get this need met out of life.
During my childhood, I never felt fully loved or had a sense of control over my surroundings. This does not mean there was no love in my family, but how I made sense of certain events that got etched into my memory. A lot of things I do as an adult have an underlying motive of trying to fill this void of love and a sense of control. This becomes the default thing I’m chasing out of life.
Your default life purpose is the grand strategy of your life. It’s the desired outcome that you believe in your heart would make you feel fulfilled and complete in this life.
Your default “way of being” (which we’ll from here name as a survival mechanism) is insanely driven to fulfill this purpose, from minor interactions to significant life decisions.
Even if you find your calling or purpose, the survival mechanism can twist it to meet that deepest unmet need.
At this point, you might object, “Well, I have clearly defined goals, I know what my mission is, and it has nothing to do with an unmet childhood need.”
You’d be surprised.
Unless you’re enlightened or have done much transformational work, I’d have difficulty believing you. It’s a given that your mission/goal is a means to an end. Say you’re clear that you want to get that next promotion, because then you’ll add a lot of value, have more agency in decisions, and create a change in your organization. Then I’d be curious why you want more agency or why you want to add more value. They won't be on your radar unless you lack those in your current experience. And the idea that you lack agency or are not adding enough value is a subconscious story. It’s arguably real but a story that can be changed anytime to change your life experience.
So here’s my question to you:
What is the end goal of all the goals in your life?
If you dig deep enough, you’ll discover that this end goal is fractal. Your end goal in a conversation with your partner is same as the end goal of getting a promotion. That is your default life purpose, the grand strategy of your subconscious mind.
Try this exercise to approach the same question from a different angle:
Exercise to find your default life purpose
Reflect: You act, move, study, talk, and make decisions in order to what? See if you can come up with a few words or a phrase.
Examples:
To be loved, respected, and cherished
To be valued and avoid being left out (mine)
To be taken seriously and be respected
To be in charge, and avoid being trapped
To call the shots and avoid being controlled
To be carefree and fulfilled and avoid getting out of control
(Examples taken from The last word on power by Tracy Goss)
You might again object, “okay, well what’s the problem with wanting respect, love, power, or to be carefree?”
It is not a problem as such. But the pursuit has some disadvantages:
The default life purpose is like a black pit without a bottom. Throw any number of wins, accolades, or milestones— it will never be full. You’re always chasing something but never content. Conventionally, you might recognize this as the rat race.
The default life purpose is, by definition, disempowering. You have no choice or agency in certain things you do. Have you ever questioned yourself, “Why did I say that thing?” or “Why am I the way I am?” That’s the default life purpose at play. It creates the illusion of choice, but you don’t have any in-the-moment. You react, not respond, when operating from your default life purpose. It generates a default “way of being.”
The default life purpose artificially limits your choices. My default purpose was to see myself valued and never be left out. When my manager at Microsoft changed, I felt this quite strongly and started looking out. I simply could not see other possibilities at that time. Perhaps staying in the team would have given me more creative fulfillment.
(Remember, default life purpose is my filter through which I make sense of events and people’s behaviors. It may or maynot be what’s really going on. Even then, I knew logically that my teammates were great and that my manager was doing what any new manager would. But I could not get rid of this feeling.)
Declared Purpose
As opposed to the default purpose, you have a choice to declare a different purpose that your life will be about. Choice is the keyword here. You can choose to act on a purpose and pursue that for the next decade of your career (or life).
Some alternate ways Tracy Goss defines a declared purpose:
A declaration of possibility brings “what is not” into existence as a possibility.
The declaration you generate creates your way of being. Who are you being in this declaration?
You make a declaration for which you are willing to do everything possible for it to come into existence (even though it seems impossible from your standpoint right now).
These declarations are to be intentionally broad so that the realm of possibility you declare might not be fulfilled in your lifetime. It is large in scope and sweeping. You will not (and should not) know HOW to fulfill the declaration. Remember, it’s out of your zone of familiarity.
I believe much of the struggle with, “What’s my life purpose?” can be solved by making a declaration. Here are some obtuse questions I ask my clients to have them generate a declaration:
What do you want?
What do you want to create by when?
What do you want to see more of in the world?
What are you a future of?
If the decision you make right now changes the future of humanity, who do you decide to BE going forward? (this should be distinct from your “way of being” generated by your default life purpose)
If you’re socially conditioned enough (which we all are), your brain will reject the answers that come up and attribute them to magical thinking. The point of this exercise is not to determine your next action that magically ensures happiness. But the point is to expand your mind beyond what you think is possible. I usually enter into a long-term coaching engagement only after a leader generates a declaration.
Exercise to generate declarations
Reflect and make these declarations.
I declare that Who I am (being) is the future of ____
I declare the possibility: I am ___
I declare the possibility that ‘what is possible’ is ‘what I say is possible’.
I declare that everything needed to fulfill this possibility exists or can be created.
(Example taken from The last word on power by Tracy Goss. For additional reading refer to pages 133 and 134.)
“I declare: ‘Who I am (being) is the future of education.’”
(…future of organizations, … future of new technology, etc.)
“I declare the possibility: I am the source for the vitality of new technologies in the entertainment industry.”
“I declare that I am a person who stops at nothing”
When you have a declared purpose that’s fully aligned, it is indeed magical.
Your goals and actions may remain the same as before, but they feel more intentional and focused. You’ll be able to make clearer and swifter decsions on what serves you and what doesn’t. The shift I observe in my clients is difficult to describe in words, but I’ll try anyway — there’s more pizzaz, determination, zing and a grounded presence in the way they speak, listen or act.
I used to call it personal leadership vision, and I think it makes a big difference to show up with a solid executive presence.
Perhaps it makes sense to state my declared life purpose:
I declare who I am (being) is the future of human performance and presence.