The Paradox of Leadership Presence
What's within you is what inspires others to follow you
Hi there, I’m Mounica, and welcome back to The Non-Linear Leader. This is a weekly letter devoted to exploring leadership from the lens of transformation and non-dual Indian spirituality. Non-linearity in leadership is about leading from a created future instead of leading as a reaction to the past voids or present dilemmas.
One such facet is developing a strong leadership presence that inspires confidence in people despite uncertainty. And it depends on your ability to shift out of your default personality, which is rooted in the past.
Have you ever felt challenged a hundred percent while being accepted a hundred percent?
Admittedly, it’s rare. But, some leaders have a subtle sense of firmness yet a supportive, you-are-perfect stance. They neither become your high-school cheerleader nor your therapist. They don’t put themselves above or below you. They challenge you without being critical and nudge you to lead yourself — lead despite your doubts or false confidences.
Leaders with such presence have the power to move, inspire, and draw a significant commitment.
I found such a rare leadership presence in my coaches and spiritual teachers.
What do they do? How do they stay ultra-sorted in uncertainty and chaos? What if we can bring that to corporate leadership — would executives be able to work better under pressure, exhibit care for the humans around them, and yet demand leadership from them? What if I can bring that to my work in coaching executives?
For three years, I have been asking these questions.
“I beg you, master, please tell me! Tell me how I do what you’re doing. Tell me how I can get the powerful presence to move and inspire people?! Teach me your ways!” I ask them.
But then they say, “I’m a nobody. You already have this presence within you. Right now.”
Whaaat?
You talking to me, the obsessively ambitious and socially-anxious introverted woman who projects confidence trying to prove she’s no less than others in the room but secretly spends too many hours crying on the closet floor when faced with intense pressure and deadlines?
What do you mean I have that powerful presence?
Since then, despite my fears, doubts, and insecurities, I have tasted that innate power. I assert that every one of us has this inherent powerful presence from which we can lead ourselves and others. I’ve seen repeatedly with my clients and myself that when you step into this presence, you find the power to move, inspire, and demand leadership.
The key is to discover and rest in who you are beyond your default personality.
Our personalities are shaped by seeking acceptance from our parents and peers, avoiding painful emotions, and becoming socially impressive. I learned to be an introvert when my peers made fun of me. I learned self-doubt and perfectionism when I faced criticism. I learned to be ambitious (and a teensy bit arrogant) when my parents rewarded me for my academic success. These traits became my default way to ‘win’ in the world.
The innate power becomes elusive when we stick to our default personalities. Our self-worth becomes tied to how others experience us, our ability to control others’ experiences, and our ability to control life situations. Robert Kegan, an adult developmental psychologist, calls this psychological dependence.
The other day, I found myself frozen in an out-of-control situation. My 4-year-old was wailing and screaming that she couldn’t find her pretty-pants. I mean, is there anything more urgent in the world than solving that problem? I couldn’t see any damn way to get her to school on time and make my 10 AM meeting on time. My default personality had a couple of options:
Option one - Yell and push her along with ‘let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!’ and then throw a guilty, ‘Mama loves you, I only yelled at you because we need to be on time,’ on the drive to school.
Option two - Tap into my empathy about her crying, try to convince her that all the other pants are pretty, give her options, and slowly make our way to the car. And also, on the way, tap myself on the back for my gentle parenting while figuring out ten different excuses for my 10 AM meeting.
In both options, the power was out of my hands because I was busy controlling the situation, controlling my daughter’s experience, or planning to control how others experienced me in the meeting I would be late for.
We should not ask, “How do I stay awake?”
Instead, we should ask, “How is it that I’m unenlightening myself?
— Adyashanti
Nowadays, I shift out of my default personality and firmly say, “It’s time to go.” I stand at the door until she understands I mean business.
I wish I could say it’s easy; it always works, and I can do this one hundred percent of the time. But most of my life got sorted because I can shift into this stance more than usual.
I stopped signing up for 100 courses that could tell me how to meet my goals. I stopped fumbling for an answer that would make me look smart. I stopped relying on my teachers and coaches for advice on my problems. I stopped relating to events, situations, and people as problems to fix.
And most of all, I stopped relating to myself as a problem to fix.
I’m able to make decisions from a stand of that power instead of my insecurities. I have moments of sorted-ness and stability even when everything is uncertain, chaotic, and ambiguous.
Did I get bit by an alien spider that gave me superpowers to relate to myself and humans better? No.
I’ve built the muscle to tap into my innate, powerful presence. And my teachers tell me this is only a taste; more is available within me.
You have that authentic power within you right now. It doesn’t have to depend on learning new skills, acquiring more leadership experience, or building your network.
Discover yourself beyond your default personality. Change the way you relate to yourself, people, and reality. You’ll find the power to move, inspire, and demand leadership from your people. Your people will trust your leadership even through uncertainty.
How? But… How!? By hiring a coach, obviously. Obviously! (ahem..)
It doesn’t have to be me, though. Here’s a great note from Graham Duncan on how to find the right coach specializing in transformation. He suggests finding a coach who challenges you one hundred percent while supporting you one hundred percent, just as my coach did in this email to me:
Thanks to , , , , and for help clarifying and editing this essay.